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This Mom, Glennon Doyle, has the Perfect Trick for Parents to Keep Quiet During Kids’ Soccer Games

posted: 03/20/18
by: Amanda Mushro

Soccer Mom 101: 1. When your kid's game begins: sit down. Get cozy. Look down and check your shirt carefully. 2. If your shirt says one of the following words: "Coach" Or "Referee" - feel free - throughout the game- to yell coachy or referee-ish things. If you do not see these words on your shirt: hush, mostly. 3. This will be surprisingly difficult. Especially if one of you is an Olympic Soccer Player and the other one of you is a Bat Shit Crazy Mama Bear Who Truly Believes that Every Ten Year Old Opponent Who Touches Her Daughter's Jersey Intends To Kill Her Daughter Dead. 4. SO. Since you cannot be trusted: Bring lollipops. Put the pops in your loud obnoxious mouths as soon as you sit down on the sideline. Let the pops serve as a reminder to you that children are dropping out of sports in record numbers - largely because their parents are behaving like asshats on the sidelines in record numbers. Because Things, in general, are less fun to do when bigger people scream at you the entire time you do them. 5. So Let the kids play. Let the coaches coach. Let the refs ref. You parent- which means yell nothing but yay and good hustle and you got this and good idea and maybe the occasional offside! These seem to be soccer evergreen safe things to yell. 5. Bring lollipops for all the other soccer parents. They'll think you're sweet but you're really just quite tricky and wise and forever on the kids' side. 6. OFFSIDE!!!!!!! #soccermoms

A post shared by Glennon Doyle (@glennondoyle) on

Spring sports are in full swing, and any parent can tell you sometimes the poor sports are not on the field, but the parents on the sidelines. However, author and mom to three Glennon Doyle and her wife, Olympic soccer player Abby Wambach, have come up with the best way to handle the ups and downs and temptations to lose your cool at your kids' soccer games. While Doyle uses this tactic for soccer, we think it will work beautifully at every type of sporting event and after-school activity.

Doyle breaks it all down in her post "Soccer Mom 101." She starts with the basics. "When your kid's game begins: sit down. Get cozy. Look down and check your shirt carefully." Then she gets down to business, "If your shirt says one of the following words: "Coach" Or "Referee" - feel free - throughout the game- to yell coachy or referee-ish things. If you do not see these words on your shirt: hush, mostly."

Hush, mostly--this may be my favorite part of the post. Every parent knows when it comes to your kid's activities, no matter if it is soccer, baseball, gymnastics, and even chess, it can be challenging for mom and dad to stay quiet. So if you think you won't be able to simply hush, Doyle has a sweet suggestion.

"Bring lollipops. Put the pops in your loud obnoxious mouths as soon as you sit down on the sideline," she writes. "Let the pops serve as a reminder to you that children are dropping out of sports in record numbers." Since our kids play these sports to have fun and it's not very fun to have adults behaving badly--the lollipop idea is pretty genius.

So when can you talk at your kid's sporting events? Whenever you've got something positive to add--go for it. "So let the kids play. Let the coaches coach. Let the refs ref," Doyle writes. "You parent- which means yell nothing but yay and good hustle and you got this and good idea and maybe the occasional offside!"

Remember, sharing is caring so "Bring lollipops for all the other soccer parents. They'll think you're sweet but you're really just quite tricky and wise and forever on the kids' side." Brilliant. Simply brilliant.