Family Life

My Big Fat Fabulous Life’s Whitney Thore Opens Up About Her PCOS and False Positives

posted: 02/07/17
by: TLCme

Written by Whitney Thore

The last three weeks of My Big Fat Fabulous Life have been a rollercoaster, as many of you who have been watching know. Thinking I was pregnant, a doctor confirming I was pregnant, and then minutes later being told I was NOT pregnant was (and still is) a lot to process. Watching it unfold on TV has brought up so many mixed emotions.

When I got the first positive test, I was almost in disbelief, considering I've always been told I would have a hard time naturally conceiving. My ability to get pregnant is something I've been worrying about since I was first diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Once I got over the initial shock, I then transitioned to beating myself up over not taking my birth control perfectly and putting Lennie and myself in a less-than-ideal situation. I was terrified about the financial burden of having a child, being a single mother, being a decent mother, how I would tell Lennie...It was with Lennie though, that I experienced an unexpected shift. I actually got excited, because Lennie was so supportive and borderline excited himself about the possibility of having a child together. I know I was lucky to have an ex-boyfriend who was not only willing to be there for the child, but who wanted to be fully present for me as well. I started thinking about the realities of having a child like most parents-to-be do - if it would be a girl or a boy, how I would decorate a nursery, what I would name her or him, how soon before I could start the child in dance lessons, and all the other normal decisions parents make.

In the doctor's office I was prepared for my life to change forever, and when the nurse came back and told me the test was positive, in that moment I became something I'd never been before in my life: a mother. It was real and I was overwhelmed, but I knew no matter how scary (and unplanned) this journey would be, I was ready to take it. All of that got turned on its head literally moments later when the ultrasound showed that there was no baby. A part of me felt relieved, but to my surprise, the biggest part of me felt disappointed. Telling Lennie I wasn't pregnant was one of the hardest things I've ever told anyone - and seeing the disappointment in his eyes broke my heart. We were both on board with the idea that we were having a child, only to have the notion ripped away in seconds and that isn't an easy thing to deal with. It doesn't change how real it felt and I grieved it as a loss all the same.

There's no way to definitively know what caused three false positive urine tests at home and one false positive urine test at the doctor, and at first, I was intent on having all the answers, but as more time goes by, I'm not sure that matters much to me now. The unknown is something women with PCOS face often; so much about PCOS remains unclear and debatable, from the diagnostic criteria, to the causes, to the still yet-to-be-found cure. What DOES matter to me is hope for my body, hope for my "cysterhood," and hope for the future. I have to remind myself that millions of women around the world live full lives with PCOS every day and they do it with children, too. I know when the time is right, motherhood will happen for me, and honestly, I can't wait.

Whitney's Sonogram
Whitney Thore

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